Nail Your First Page: Real Critiques from Publishing Pros

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Episode Summary
In this Ask Beth & Lisa episode of Writers With Wrinkles, Beth and Lisa dive into first-page critiques, offering real-time feedback on listener-submitted rom-com and middle grade openings. Aspiring authors will gain insight into what makes a first page hook an editor—and what doesn’t.

Guest Bio
No guest this week—just your favorite co-hosts offering expert feedback, writerly wisdom, and a behind-the-scenes look at their creative process.

Key Discussion Points
• Why first pages matter more than ever in today’s publishing landscape
• Rom-Com critique: Bohemian Girl in Ruins – balancing snark and heart, setting tone, and why emotional vulnerability matters
• Craft insights: Using voice, internal conflict, and pacing to create immediate reader engagement
• Middle Grade critique: Liam Calloway and the Cosmic Conspiracy – voice authenticity, anchoring in-scene emotion, and hooking readers fast
• Red flags in opening pages—over-describing, passive language, and missing stakes
• Foreshadowing, genre expectations, and how to revise for connection, not just cleverness
• Sneak peek into Beth and Lisa’s video podcast debut and future live retreat plans

Conclusion
This episode reminds writers that capturing attention on page one is both art and strategy. Whether you're polishing a rom-com or drafting a middle grade novel, grounding your character, tightening the prose, and creating emotional stakes are key to making your manuscript stand out.

Links & Resources
• Submit your first page: https://writerswithwrinkles.net
• Instagram: @writerswithwrinkles

Subscribe & Connect
Don’t miss future episodes! Subscribe, rate, and review Writers With Wrinkles wherever you listen. Submit questions for “Ask Beth and Lisa” or sign up for our newsletter at writerswithwrinkles.net and join us on Instagram @writerswithwrinkles.

Transcript

BETH MCMULLEN

Hi friends, I'm Beth McMillan. And I'm Lisa Schmid. And we're the co -hosts of Writers with Wrinkles. This is season four, episode 23. And this is an Ask Beth and Lisa episode. And today we're doing first page feedback. We are super excited for this. We've been talking about it for like a month or so now. So today it's really happening.

BETH MCMULLEN

Also today, this is the first time that we are going to record video and put it up on YouTube. So if you want to watch the podcast, which I know sounds weird watching podcasts. It's not something I really do, but I know a lot of people really like it. So we're going to do that. So please forgive us in advance if it's a total disaster. While I've gotten pretty good at editing audio, I have no idea what I'm doing with video. So, you know, could be a mess. Won't be a mess. You'll figure it out. I have faith in you. And the fact that I was forced to take a shower today before recording. See, that's like, that's the big downside, honestly, for me, is that if you're doing video, you can't show up in the same sweaty gym clothes that you've had on since six o 'clock in the morning. And that's, I mean, that may be the thing that sends us back to audio. I don't know. I don't know. We're in our experimental era. So you got to just bear with us. See what happens. everything at least once you know that is like my mo my entire life i've always been like i'll try it once and then i can decide they never do it again so this is our this is our initial video attempt you know i wonder how long this will last like we try things like oh my god remember back in the beginning books on botox i loved books on botox it was like book reviews i want to start a writers with wrinkles book club so that we can like read books and then just talk about them and we don't it doesn't even have to be in the podcast it could just be a zoom where we all get together and kibitz about books that's a good idea right i don't know we'll see i have a lot of ideas they're just you gotta pick idea an idea and stick with it i am like everywhere Well, I'm just with books on Botox, you would come in and like break everything down and have everything like all analyzed. And I'd be like, yeah, I really liked it. So I kind of sucked at it. Well, wait till we get to the first page is like my English nerd, which is what I am at my core. I'm a giant English nerd. It really it kind of just comes out. So I apologize in advance. Well, it's funny. So listeners, you should know that we were talking before we started recording and saying, how are we going to format this new thing and the first pages? And my recommendation, and I think it's a good one, is that Beth can come on with all the important details and how to do everything appropriately. And then I'll come in at the end with all the fluff. This is the great thing about our relationship, though. We have the things that we're good at. And we do them. Like, I like to get down in the weeds with the first pages. And you like to sort of come at it more as a reader. And that works well together. And like, I'm happy to figure out how to do the stupid video stuff on the back end and you go find all the guests. It's like, it works. This is a perfect analogy for us. talking to her as we were talking about this so whenever Beth and I go out of town like on a little retreat or whatever she drives because I don't want to drive I'm like just it's like I'm 80 already and I'm like I don't want to drive and so we went to a little retreat this weekend but my goal or my role in this relationship is I always bring the snacks and the wine like that I bring the snacks and the wine and Beth drives and it works it's a good relationship Totally works. Totally works. We got it. We got it dialed in at this point. We really do. I always make sure I bring bath chocolate like that. Oh, well, because like I function better with like a little bit of a sugar. Sugar and caffeine are sort of my drugs of choice. Yeah. I had my wine and you got to try my wine. I did. I liked your wine. I just think I drank a whole bottle of your wine. Yeah, it was good. That's my 80 calories of glass wine, people. And it's good. It's fitness wine. It's good. So we did go on this retreat and we were scouting out a location, a possible location for our Writers with Frinkles and Wine retreat. And it was what we can tell you now. It was Murphy's, California. And you have to go like an hour and a half, like on back roads. And halfway there, as I was fighting throwing up from car sickness, I'm like, we are not. Terry, I can tell you already, the retreat is not happening now at this location. It's so funny. It was like we were sitting there.

LISA SCHMID

It's so

BETH MCMULLEN

were sitting there. We'd been chatting, chatting. And then it goes really quiet. And like five minutes passes. And then Lisa's like, this is not happening. Listen, even like right away, I'm like, we can't make people do this. And I'm not coming back here ever again. It was very curvy. And I mean, the thing about the road is that it's very curvy and it's just barely enough space for two lanes. So there's no shoulder and you're just like S curving and S curving and S curving for an hour and a half. Yeah, even driving, I was getting sick. And I get cristic really easily if I'm not in the driver's seat. But usually driving, I'm fine. And I was really not. I was feeling a little green by the time we got there. When we came home, I don't think I felt good again until like hours later. I was like nauseous for hours. So I'm like, well, that was really fun. I'm so glad we did that. It's such a shame because Murphy's is a super cute little town. We found the best restaurant with which they had gluten -free food for me. And I will just say, Beth knows how exciting this is for me. Gluten -free french fries that were to die for. Everything we ordered was gluten -free and it was all delicious. You would have ordered it anyway. So good. It was really, it was really cute. I think, I think what we've come around to with the retreat, investigating other retreats that have been canceled or. put off till next year. The sense in the market right now is that things are very,

LISA SCHMID

Everything we

BETH MCMULLEN

sense in the market right now is that things are very, of course, up in the air. Everybody feels a little bit unstable with the current climate of the United States. So this retreat is temporarily paused. We are going to revisit this depending on what's going to happen. We can revisit it now live on the air. So I was with my... Okay, everybody. Immediate update. Newsflash. I totally forgot. tell you about this. So I was at lunch with my friends, Lisa and Joss, and I was telling them about the demise of the retreat. And I'm like, it just, I don't think it's going to happen. It's too expensive, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then Joss had this great idea. She's like, why don't you just do a one day retreat and that people can come to, they can drive to here in Northern California. That is, you know, there's not a bunch of costs associated with it. And you can start out small and then work into the three -day retreat. And I'm like, you know what? That's a great idea. Okay, everybody. We will be back with information about our one -day Northern California retreat next episode. See? Don't you love her? Yeah. This is exactly how things happen in the exciting world of Writers with Wrinkles. Like, we just... We follow the thing that seems reasonable. I think that seems really great. I think that's great. I remember going to, I've done several one day conferences over the years and I like it because it's a very limited commitment. And so people are like happy to come and do a day. And we could actually do, you know, more people if you had it. And, you know, the other thing is we used to have that spring spirit SCBWI retreat for a one day conference.

LISA SCHMID

we could actually do,

BETH MCMULLEN

retreat for a one day conference. And that's not here anymore. And so. It could take its place. Big. Don't tell anybody. We are going to fill that empty void left behind by S -E -E -W -I Spring Fling. Yeah, that was a good one. I liked that one. It did a class for, it kind of disappeared. So, all right, we will, we will, of course, talk more about this offline and then come back to you guys and tell you where things are. So, okay, we got a lot, a lot, a lot. And thank you guys for sending all of your first pages. We have read them all and we're only going to do two per episode, but everything is in the queue. We keep them all. So even if you sent it and we don't do it today, we're going to try to get to all of them in the future. So we're just going to keep working through the submissions. And, you know, they're all really good. And I'm proud of you guys for, like, taking the risk because it's always risky to put your stuff out there. In a way, even if your name is not attached to it, it's still you're doing that. So good job to everybody. Yes, it's yes. You are trusting us. It is a serious thing. It is a serious relationship. And so, OK, I do have to say to everybody, I have 40 ,000 windows open on my screen and it's freaking me out a little bit. I'm losing things. But. Before we dive into the submissions, here's a quick note on how we approach these first pages so it doesn't feel like it's coming out of nowhere. We read them through the lens of an acquiring editor, so that's the person at the publishing house deciding what to buy. So we're asking the same questions an agent or editor would ask. Does the voice grab me? Do I care about this character right away? Is there tension, curiosity, or something that makes me want to turn the page? The goal isn't perfection. That is never the goal. We talk about that a lot, but it's potential. We're looking for that spark that says, yes, this belongs on my list. And just a heads up, we don't read the full 350 words on the show. We've read every word off air, but long reads can slow things down and lose the audience. So instead, we pull short excerpts or give a quick summary so we can keep the pace, focus on the hook, and dig into what really... matters here, which is craft and the choices that make those first lines work. Every genre has its own markers, but what matters most is command of your story from the very first line. And that's what we're here to help you find and to talk about. The first one today is a rom -com. So let me flip through my 40 ,000 tabs and find my notes. All right. So our first page comes from a romantic comedy set in Prague with the working title Bohemian Girl in Ruins, which I really love. So right off the bat, kind of fancy, international, lots of potential there. It opens with Kara, a hotel receptionist at one of Prague's top five -star hotels. She's just clocked in for her night shift with her co -worker Pete, and he hands her a note from a mystery man, a note that he's clearly already read. that says the guy had a wonderful time and wants to take her to dinner again. So you cue Kara's mortification that Pete, of course, read the note and now he wants all the juicy details. But instead of giving him what he wants, Kara snaps back with dry humor and a little exasperation. In the middle of this exchange, we learn about the Bible, which is a secret ledger where the reception staff records all the scandalous gossip about the guests. So that's where we start. snarky hotel receptionist, embarrassing note, the kind of over -involved co -worker, and a hotel full of secrets just waiting to explode. These pages literally open with a bang. Asshole is the first line. Love this so much. It's bold. It immediately tells us that this protagonist, whoever it is, has opinions, which I love. But let's talk about how that boldness lands and what it tells us about the story to come. So right from the start, the voice feels strong. Sarcastic, confident, a little bit jaded. Kara clearly has a sense of humor about her less than glamorous romantic life. The prose flows easily. The inner commentary is sharp. And the setting, Prague's swankiest hotel, gives us instant atmosphere. So that all works really well.

BETH MCMULLEN

But I'm not entirely sure yet whether Kara's tone is meant to be funny frustrated or angry cynical. And the difference matters quite a bit because in rom -com, voice has to balance bite with warmth. If she leans too hard into cynicism before we glimpse the softer side, she risks feeling abrasive instead of charming. And we definitely want charming. On character presence, we definitely know who Kara is. She's weary. She's witty. She's unfiltered. We know from that opening line. But we could use one more flash of vulnerability early on, like a moment of, you know, why do I keep doing this to myself? Or something that hints at some longing or desire underneath the sarcasm. And that will help the reader root for her rather than just enjoy her snark. And that rooting for her is absolutely fundamentally key to the success of this story. Okay, conflict. The note from the mystery man is a great inciting spark because it's very personal, it's a little embarrassing, and it's loaded with potential for what comes next. Pete, her co -worker. teases her about it. And that's funny, but it's also taking up a lot of real estate in this first page. And as an editor, I'd ask, is Pete a long -term fixture? Is he going to stick around? Or is he just comic relief at the beginning? If it's the latter, I would trim that intro slightly and shift the focus back to Kara's internal reaction to the note rather than wasting those lines on this guy who maybe isn't that. important long term. One moment that really works well is the reveal of the Bible, which is that secret gossip ledger. It's funny, it's interesting, and it's just like perfect for rom -com potential. I immediately thought, okay, this is going to blow up later in some like wonderful way. So there's a nice little bit of foreshadowing going on there that I like. you know this Bible is going to come back later to cause trouble. It kind of has to. It's been rolled out on stage and later it has to be, you know, used. Tone -wise, the balance between humor and heart, which are two things that are absolutely essential to our rom -coms. It's almost there. The setup is funny. But we haven't seen quite enough emotional grounding yet. The jokes land. Now we need a flicker of, like, humanity so we know we're not in the pure snark territory. Again, it's that balance, which I think you have to iterate on. Revise, revise, revise until you get it right where you need it to be. Maybe just one more beat where Kara feels a little bit exposed or realizes how lonely she might be beneath the banter. Something like that. I would say if this came across my desk, I'd call it a strong near miss that needs calibration for all the reasons that we've talked about. The concept, the setting, the humor are there. What's missing is a touch more of that emotional connection to Kara, clarity in the balance of the tone. And with that fixed, I think I would definitely want to see the full manuscript. So I love everything you said, of course, because you're the book coach and I'm now coming in as the fluff. I'm the sprinkler. I'm the sprinkler. There is nothing fluffy about you. You're a very stutious person. Okay. So for me, the first page is really, they set the tone. And if there are too many details, it distracts from the flow of the prose. And so I like everything. But there are certain things that kind of made me go, I would have taken that out. In the very first paragraph. She, I'm just going to say it. Kara, he purred, toying with the ah sound like it was a piece of string. I would take out that second part. I would just say purred. You know what I mean? Because it's just, it kind of pulls you out of it. It distracts too much. And she did something similar like a couple lines later. His impeccably manicured fingers. in parentheses, the kind that had never suffered a paper cut or a cuticle catastrophe dangled a piece of folded paper in front of her face. I feel like that extra little description was just too much. It kind of, it felt clunky. And I would rather just flow through that. And I think that when you are creating that voice, it's good to add it, but not so soon in the story. Like, let's just get through that first paragraph and see if it grabs the reader. I loved, love, love. She had a line, excuse me, a line in there. My stomach curled into a fetal position. I love this. It's such a dirty break because you can totally see it. Oh my God. I laughed out loud. It was so, so good.

LISA SCHMID

out loud.

BETH MCMULLEN

And I love the asshole. I just, I laughed when I read that. Well, and it's with an exclamation point, which is like, it just feels like a slap in the face. And you know, it's like a good one. You're like awake. You're paying attention.

LISA SCHMID

Well,

BETH MCMULLEN

Well, it's such an attention getter, you know? And so she built in a paragraph that really establishes the time period of the story without saying it exactly. And it references fax papers and reservation confirmations and lists of guests who requested a wake -up call. To me, we already know now that's that's probably like the 80s or the 90s. And so it would be considered historical fiction. Isn't that crazy? It is. Yeah. So I just I love how she did that. And I mean, other than that, those are the just the couple things that really stood out to me. That's a really important point. Like we talk about, you know, showing not telling. And you could easily have said. It is 1989. But instead of that, you put in these few details that establishes your era.

LISA SCHMID

That's a

BETH MCMULLEN

Absolutely. You know, and so you've done a really good job kind of bringing the audience there without hitting them over the head with it, which is amazing. Yeah, I really like this. I think there's lots of potential. I love the Bible part, which I already said. I think that's a great, you can go way far on that. That seems like it would be really fun. It brought to mind a little bit. Ellen Hildebrand, I think it's the Hotel Nantucket, which has, it's all sort of based in scandals that are happening at this Shishi Hotel in Nantucket. And so that, it kind of reminded me of that. So maybe if the author hasn't read that and is listening, check that book out. There might be some sort of parallels that you can draw. Well, the other thing I love also is that it's already setting up the dynamic between her and this coworker. You know that there's shenanigans that go on within the hotel. Which now I'm already like, okay, well, they're doing, like, what else are they doing? And I love the fact that they've got these probably inside jokes and power over all these rich people, and these rich people don't even know it. You know what I mean? Well, and hotels already. Yes, and hotels are just, like, ripe with that sort of, you know, chaos and drama. Because you take everybody out of their normal environment, you plop them all down in this different place, and suddenly it's just... a wonderful kind of chaos. So I think she's off to a really good start. I think a few tweaks will get this opening exactly where she wants it for when it goes out on submission. So that's our first one. Oh, and I forgot to mention this at the beginning. For the authors whose pages we do on the show, we will send you the cheat sheet of all the notes after. So you'll have... a list of the things that we talked about if you have any interest in using them as you go back and revise. So just keep that in mind. Okay, our next one is middle grade. This one's working title is Liam Calloway and the Cosmic Conspiracy, which I love the title. I love all those C's. That's just fun for middle grade, especially. Book opens with Liam, a kid on a family vacation in Greece, who wishes more than anything that teleportation was real. He imagines zapping from site to site instead of trudging through crowds in hotel rooms with scratchy sheets. But we quickly learn that his wish for teleportation isn't just about convenience. Crowds make him anxious, and he'd do almost anything to escape the noise and chaos around him. And that's where the story begins. An overwhelmed kid, a vacation that's not going as planned, and maybe, just maybe, a hint that teleportation might become more than a daydream. The opening line. Teleportation would solve everything. And that's a great start. It's clever. It's funny. It feels very, very middle grade to me. Because what kid hasn't wished that they could just beam themselves out of an awkward situation or a boring class or whatever? in the story yet. This opening is written in a very hypothetical way, lots of would and could, and that puts distance between the reader and the character. We're watching him imagine instead of experiencing something with him in real time. This is super important for middle grade, especially to be in the head of the character. So to fix that, I would anchor the fantasy in the moment. For example, if teleportation were real, Liam could beam right out of the nightmare restaurant where he's stuck. So now we're in his head with him instead of observing from a distance. So again, super important in middle grade is authentic voice. We want to feel like this is a real 11 -year -old thinking and reacting, not an adult writing kid. And I can say that a thousand times. It's like the most important thing, I think, for middle grade. The humor here, there's a line where he describes the hotel sheets as burn your nose hairs hotel sheets, which is so funny. So keep that. But make the voice more immediate and emotionally alive in the moment. Once we get into the restaurant scene, the sensory details work well. Crowds. noise, sweaty palms. We can feel Liam's anxiety. What's missing is why we should care that he's feeling anxious. What's at stake for him right now? If he just wants the dinner to end because he's uncomfortable, that's not quite enough. He needs to have a goal or a worry. It can be small, but it has to be specific. Maybe he's trying not to embarrass himself in front of his brother or he's desperate to prove he can handle this trip, even if it's hard. That emotional thread will make the reader lean into the story. Teleportation idea itself is fantastic. It could be a metaphor. It could be foreshadowing something real later. Either way, it's the hint that matters. So let readers feel that this is maybe more than wishful thinking. If that's where you're ultimately going with it, I think it would be a really great foreshadowing and a great little hook. We get some nice specific character details, which I like. The Rubik's Cube, the hoodie, the cat under the table, they're all doing good work at letting us understand Liam. What I would tweak in that section is the moment with his brother. We're told what Trevor looks like and how tall he is. But I would rather see them interact. A line of dialogue can do more to define the nature of their relationship than a whole paragraph of description. Let them be with each other and let the reader see that. I think that from a line editing perspective, the writing itself is clean and confident. I think that you want to make sure you pay attention to active verbs. Keeps the energy up. Use short sentences when Liam's anxiety spikes to kind of pull readers into his state of mind. If this came across my desk, I would say that the writer has talent and a great concept. The opening feels like a setup, however, and not a lived scene. So the revision should bring us closer to Liam and give us a sense of the story's direction. Like, where are we going? Why do these things matter? And once that's there, I would definitely want to see... a full manuscript. When this one came across, I was very excited. I think I actually called you. You did. Because the first line, I loved it. Teleportation would solve everything. Right then, I'm like, I hope this is about teleportation. And so that's one of the things I would caution, that if it's not about teleportation. I would be worried about using it because right that first line, it's a promise. You know what I mean? It's just like right away. I'm like, I haven't read. I don't think I've ever read a book with teleportation in middle grade, which is interesting. I think from the working title, I assume there's going to be some sort of teleportation space travel, something getting wildly out of control, which is why I think that. You know, I think he can, I think he can make that line more robust so that it delivers more, keeps the essence, but delivers a stronger punch. But I think you're right. I think if you, if you roll that out there, you kind of have to use it. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's the biggest thing. And I, I kind of changed the opening line just a little bit to, in a perfect world, teleportation exists. And then. kind of go into it a little bit. But I like the concept of the first paragraph, but it was kind of missing the mark a little bit because it was too much. I feel like there's a way the writer can condense this to make the point, maybe two or three lines, and then move on. So it just, you know, because it's such a great opening line, I'm already caught. You know, I'm already like, okay, where is this going? I was very, very excited about this book. I loved, there's so much good about these first pages. I loved how she really got into the family dynamics and set the stage right away. So we already know, you know, what's going on with the brother, that he's kind of top dog right now, and that there's kind of an interesting family dynamic and that he's feeling kind of pushed to the side. I mean, I got all that within the first page and she was very good at spelling out the anxiety. in really unique and interesting ways that I haven't seen before. So a lot of good stuff in these pages. But I think, as you mentioned it too, it's just that first paragraph is, I think it's too long. It has good intentions, but it needs to be tightened up not too long and more active. You know, it just is, it's too much like widow shoulda, coulda, you know what I mean? And that's... Something that we've talked about on the show before, first pages, you have such a limited amount of time to capture a reader, especially in a day and age where there's so many distractions for young readers, especially for this is middle grade, that you really have to make sure that that first page is as tight and just...

BETH MCMULLEN

like it grabs, that it grabs and holds on. I mean, that's your mission in that first page is that you have to have enough in there that the reader wants to turn to the next page. And you only get one shot. I mean, I am living a life right now where I put down books all the time because the first 10 pages does nothing. But alienate me, you know? I don't even, I don't know what's, I don't care who these people are. I don't know who these people are and I don't know what's happening. So I think that you don't want to be in that camp. You really want to just lean into those first pages and revise it as many times as you need to until it feels like it's just humming along. Yeah, less is more. You have plenty of time for world building as you move through the story. But I don't think world building like to an extreme is like necessary on the first page. I think it's just just or not even just world building. Just sometimes there's just too many details laced in that it pulls you out of that story. I just want it streamlined. Get to the point. Do I want to keep reading? Because if there's too much that's bogging stuff down, I get bored. And I think I'm, you know, I'm an adult. And if I'm bored. Like if I'm like losing track or I'm like looking over at my phone, just think how a middle school kid is. They are, you have to like be on point with middle grade. Yeah, that's it. It's hard. And your audience is hard to hold. So you really do have to make an enormous effort to grab them right at the beginning so they can't put down the book. Well, and it's hard, I think, when you're being clever and you're writing and you're like, oh my God, this is so clever. And then you want to keep it in there. But when you go back through, it's like, OK, it's clever. But is it going to amuse and keep other people hooked? Or is it just amusing me? And a lot of times when I go back through it, I'm like, OK, this is funny, but I've got to let this one go. You know, maybe I can use that somewhere else in the story, but it can't be there. Yeah, yeah. And I think that, you know, there's such a tall order for first pages. That you're trying to do so much in that opening that you just really need to be hyper aware of all of the things that are happening and be a little bit relentless with yourself in the revisions. Yep. So those are two for today. Historical romance slash rom -com and a middle grade. What I hope is sort of a sci -fi action adventure because I really want to go on that ride. And...

BETH MCMULLEN

So we are going to continue doing first pages every month. So please continue to send us your submissions. See the writerswithwrinkles .net website for details on how to do that if you don't know already. That link will be in the podcast notes. And Miranda, these are anonymous submissions. We will never use your name on the show. And we're here for all genres, middle grade, rom -com, thriller, mystery, romanticy, picture books, you name it. We will jump in and take a try with it. And please remember to leave a review and sign up for our newsletter at our website, writerswithwrinkles .net. We really need those reviews so that we can continue to bring you the show. So thank you in advance for doing that. And until then, happy reading, writing, and listening. Bye, Lisa. Bye, guys.